So I’m watching Resident Evil: The Final Chapter and think to myself, what if the premise of this movie is more truth than fiction? What if, in real life, the world’s elites (or enough of them to matter) just want to control how the world ends? I mean, if I was a multimillionaire I would definitely have a bunker or something just in case shit went wrong. What if I could make shit go wrong and ensure my survival? What kind of world could be built in the image of the elites with the majority of the population gone?
I am an addict. My daughter tells me repeatedly I am worse than a five year old because I am always on the lookout for stickers. There are quite a few Etsy creators that I drool over and of course Me & My Big Ideas has eye-catching collections, but I tend to stay within my budget by shopping at my local Dollar Trees. The butterflies and clear stickers came from there. The planner doll is from one of my favorite Etsy shops: Pink Bow Ties.
On another note, I am on Bupropion HCL XL, which is the long-winded way to say generic Wellbutrin. I seem to be tolerating it pretty well and for that I am thankful. It is too soon see a noticeable change, but like the doctor said it isn’t a magic pill. It will take weeks and even then there may have to be some adjustments with the dosage. I have an appointment with a psychologist next month. I finally feel, after all of these years and all of the depression-fueled life detours, I am on the right track. 💜
I have had a rough morning emotionally. Light bulb moments aren’t always soft and gentle things. Sometimes those moments can be so bright that the bulb bursts and I’m left to pull out and clean up the shards. Painful illumination.
This morning I was cleaning up the pieces, so to speak. This upteen years long detour I finally recognize myself being on is my fault. I suffer from depression because I have chosen not to get help for it. That’s it. I am not where I want to be in life because I did not do what I needed in order to be where I want. It is very easy, comforting even, to use events and other people as this reason or that reason. But everything points back to me. No matter the reason, the answer will always be me. I am the first cause.
Accountability. It’s a big word because it carries a lot of weight. I didn’t want to carry around all of that weight so I didn’t scrutinize much why I’m at this point in my life at any point in my life. For me, holding myself accountable does not mean carrying that crap around. If I had really done the self work I thought I was I would have learned taking accountability for my actions is the opposite of holding onto all of this baggage. When I am being fully accountable, I look at the things I do that don’t work and have never worked for me, dig deep to find out why I keep recycling bullshit, and let it go.
So first things first: I have a counselor I need to find and set up an appointment with.
On the third of this month, I underwent a laparoscopic hysterectomy and a partial oophorectomy. I have tried not to do more than I’m supposed to but Mika’s gonna Mika. I haven’t stepped too far out of my boundaries; I’m testing where the boundaries are. Lifting the bucket of litter is a firm boundary right now 😂.
There is an amazing website for women who need information and support about hysterectomies: HisterSisters. I joined the site a few weeks before I was due to have my surgery. The women there are awesome and I can’t give them enough praise. Just to have a website dedicated to women and ran by women is praise-worthy enough! The information they provide helped to alleviate many of my concerns before I even met with my surgeon.
Now I am just focusing on healing. I know in the days and weeks to come my mind and body will get better and I won’t let anything interrupt this process. Setting and achieving goals is the motivation for 2017.